Have You Ever Feared Being Caught In The Rain?
Once your hair has been soaked, being caught in the rain doesn’t matter anymore.
I didn’t see it coming, the sun suddenly disappears and as the clouds seem to burst open the downpour begins. My hair falls limply past my shoulders, bangs sticking to my forehead, and all of the primping I did just a few hours before no longer mean anything. My clothes become more transparent and cling to my body, for one moment I consider running for cover, but as I get a glimpse of myself in the window of a parked car I have to laugh. Why bother running? I’m wet now, and so what? You just can’t prevent the rain.
As I surrender to the downpour, this is the moment that I feel the most free; the moment I say out loud that my hair has been ruined. It is the moment that I swim through my fear into acceptance, and it is actaully a feeling of such relief! Have you ever feared being caught in the rain? It can be so hard when you spend your time worrying about staying dry. Funny how once you are wet, those very worries suddenly dissapear.
I see so clearly the correlation when I worry about the things I say, and so at times I have surpressed the downpour of my own words. When it came to sharing my feelings; speaking my truth, it could be more safe or so I thought, to remain silent or at least sensor myself from full disclosure. I felt it easier, or maybe less of a risk to do so, because with full discloser comes the risk of flat out rejection, anger, or resentment. These are not necessarily emotions I want to experience, but I have found myself in a place of wanting to sensor myself less and less no matter what the outcome might be.
Senoring myself was all about staying dry, but staying dry is unpredictable when it comes to the weather and with life. I can plan all I want to for the rain; I can carry an umbrella “just in case” but truly that can be tiresome, and there is always that chance that I will forget to pack it. It takes work to have all of that control! Besides, down inside I know that there is nothing in life that really needs to be controlled, it can just feel like it does at times.
I recognize that my desire to control only stemmed from fear, and as I release the fear, I no longer need to control so much of what I say. I am more free to speak my truth, whatever that truth might be. It is a wonderful and freeing feeling, and I’ve been showing myself more and more, no hiding. It used to bother me and leave me feeling vulnerable when people called me “ an open book”. Now I am starting to see that it has been my goal all along; I have been slowly and steadily tearing down those walls toward being exactly that: more open with everyone, and less of a mystery caused by my own fears. This is to follow my own heart more and have that trust in myself.
I do admit that it can be scary when I consider how speaking my truth will affect the person I am directing that truth to. I realize however, that the more I let go of other’s reactions, the more authentically me I can be, and I like that. I’m talking about honesty and trust here. The more I have let go of that fear of being judged, trust that I won’t hold back, and I will be honest with you. Pretending anything is a game I don’t have to play, and that is freeing! I am also not out to intentionally hurt you or anyone else by what I say, but this is also something I have come to see that I cannot control either.
Honesty and truth speaking is not always appreciated, and I won’t pretend that it is. I will say this to all sales people: although it might initially sting if you tell me the outfit I am about to buy looks hideous on me, I will leave your store empty handed, but no doubt I will return to your store again and seek you out to assist me. I will tell all my friends what a wonderful sales person you are; you’ve gained my trust. To my friends and even strangers, hear me when I say I do want you to tell me my fly is open, there is something stuck in my teeth, or there is toilet paper under my shoe. Politeness can be over-rated. If I’ve told the same story once before, please let me know because I simply may have forgotten. If you are not in the mood to talk with me just say so, I would rather talk with someone who is interested in what I have to say, and if my feelings get hurt by this, I will deal with it.
What I explore here is not only about open zippers, stuck food, or interactions and situations that have gone awry. Honesty and truth speaking is also about the ability to speak openly and honestly about your feelings and my feelings. It is about the ability to share when we when we feel good, bad, happy, sad, angry, or afraid. How often do you suppress sharing your emotions simply because you are afraid of what the consequences of sharing those emotions might be? I have been afraid of those consequences, but I am discovering that each time I allow myself to share more of who I am, after I do so I actually feel relief! If you feel the least bit of hesitation about what I write, all I can say is that when it comes allowing yourself to be more open, it is all about taking that first step.
Have you ever not told someone that you cared about them because you were afraid of being rejected? Have you ever suppressed your anger because showing it might upset someone else? Have you ever stopped yourself from showing your own happiness because the person you were talking with was having a bad day? Do you hold back from showing someone else your vulnerability? If the answer is yes to any one of these questions, perhaps taking that first step toward being more open is something you might want to consider.
What have you got to lose? Maybe just a bit more of fear and control in life. If anything, these are words to ponder.
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