Monthly Archives: June 2012

What If You Friend Request Your FEAR?

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Life has fears.

I’m scared about a lot of things; the economy, health insurance, the state of the world, the future, and even my now.

At 47, it is scary to have started a business all on my own, I see my savings and nest egg dwindle. “What if I can’t build another nest egg?” This thought seeps into my head. How can I make all of this work?

In this moment I’m not completely sure how…

It’s also scary to make myself and my vulnerability so public through my writing. What if people don’t like it, don’t connect, or they judge me? There is always that twinge of fear when I hit the publish button. Yet, to write is so natural to me, it’s as natural as I breathe.

The work I do feels this same way. To help people connect with more of themselves is work that gives my life meaning, it’s work that I love. To love the work that I do has always been important to me. It’s not something I want to,or I’m ready to walk away from.

Neither is writing that book I have always wanted to read. I’m not willing to let FEAR stop me.

 

As a result, I’ve decided to friend request my FEAR.

I’ll allow FEAR  access to my wall, and access to me. I’ll interact with my FEAR, and I will acknowledge its presence in my life. FEAR can be part of my status update. FEAR will be my friend.

If I am proactive about my fear rather than avoiding it, or treating it as if it were some stalker waiting for me, this will help me to move forward and do the things that I want to do in life.

Like making my company Arabella a success!

Like writing that book I have always wanted to read!

I know that in small ways, fear and a desire not to face painful emotions has slowed me down. But I am THAT girl who would rather jump into the shit-pool of her painful emotions and swim through them, than to avoid them and sit poolside and get a suntan.

I just need to remind myself of this! 

 

 

The other day I stood in my backyard and the wind blew stronger than usual. As I stood there on the grass with my hair and dress blowing backwards I closed my eyes, and I remember thinking to myself how I felt slightly odd in that moment. The voice in my head said, “Winds of change, Patty!”

I wasn’t sure what it meant at the time, but now I see the connection to this blog. I must re-activate the friendship with my FEAR. Let go of avoidance.

I made some business phone calls that felt good. Reached out to some old contacts. Some new ideas have already started to flow. I opened old notes from a book I had started in 2009; pages and pages of documents that I left dormant. I can feel something new opened. This is a start.

The most significant thing is a reconfirmation and a knowing that I am on the right path, scary as that path might be! Friending my FEAR brings it to the forefront, and rather than leaving me paralyzed, I am stronger and more able to move forward.

Step by step.

Are you ready to friend request your fear?

I can tell you that the actual relationship isn’t as scary as you might imagine. In fact, you will find yourself more free!

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Love & Fireworks,
Patty

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Close A Door and You Open A Window…It’s So True!

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I used to think that this statement was a cliché; something people said when life threw you a curve ball. It was especially hard in the moment when it seemed like doors were slammed shut and I stood there with my hands in the air and wondered, “What the hell had just happened?”

Now I am more certain than I ever was before, when a door closes not only does a window open, a river flows…

I always thought that closed doors were something that happened outside of me; that it was the Universe or God who pulled the rug from under my feet. I questioned that possibly there was some cosmic lesson I still needed to learn.

But  this limited viewpoint left me with confused and feeling stuck, and I often questioned, “When the hell will that river flow?” and ”What the hell have I been doing wrong?”

I now broaden the concept of “closed doors and opened windows” and begin inside me rather than outside.

To close a door begins inside me, energetically. I can best describe this as a definite energy I “feel” within my body, it is a change and a sense of “knowing”. It is an energy that I then project outward; an energy that isn’t necessarily seen, but is felt by others. Eventually I see evidence reflected around me of this change.

By energetically closing something within me, I energetically open to something new; something I have wanted on some level, but was unable to attain. This energetic closing goes beyond any actions that I might take. It goes beyond words that I might have said.

I like to call it that moment when my spirit draws that energetic line in the sand, and I cross over it from the old to the new. From this place I’m ready to make new choices, I’m ready to interact with new people, I’m ready to have new experiences. I’m ready in a way that I recognize I wasn’t quite ready before.

….and life begins to change.

A huge part of this process has to do with my own release of fear.  Little by little I release my fear of the very change I want. I release my need to control how it will change, I release my fear of how the people around me will be affected by this change. I am willing to let go of how life IS. I am open for the unknown, willing to be vulnerable.

….and life begins to change.

I saw evidence of this so clearly in my last relationship. When I drew that energetic line in the sand, and I was willing and to let go of relationships that were not balanced,  that didn’t fulfill me, and that did not bring me joy, I felt a newness that replaced the fear inside me. I allowed some time for this new me to open.

I eventually began a wonderful relationship that reflected the newness within me, and who I had become. When we first decided to date, he was open and ready for me, and our openness has remained. We often joke that our timing for each other was perfect! We share mutual desires, and an intimacy with ease and we continue to grow closer. With him, I see continual confirmations of the very things I said that I wanted for myself and my relationships.

What I have learned from this is that you are not ready until you are ready. Ready to close that door and open that window. When you do, you will feel the fresh breeze on your face. You will feel the freedom of the wind in your hair.

 

And change will flow like a river….

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Love & Fireworks,
Patty

 

 

 

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Have You Ever Been In Love With A Potential?

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Po-ten-tial      [puh-ten-shuhl]

possible, as opposed to actual, a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.

Maybe you are in love with a potential right now? That potential feels so romantic and amazing, they excite and intrigue you. I know I’ve certainly loved a potential.

The reality of the relationship sucked however. It was nowhere close to the kind of loving and committed relationship I wanted or deserved.

All relationships begin with potential; that delicious potential to connect, to share, and to grow closer. You can become each other’s confidants, best friends, and even lovers. You can fall in love. You can commit to only each other.

At some point, and depending on what you want , the stages of a relationship must move from potential to reality. As you spend time together, you ARE connecting. You ARE sharing. You ARE confidants. You ARE best friends…

A successful and fulfilling relationship naturally progresses. It is a mutual giving and receiving.

If however your relationship is stuck in “potential” it’s pretty certain that you are not getting what you really want, but you ARE hoping…

 

Hoping they will spend more time with you, call more often.
Hoping they will share more with you.
Hoping they will communicate better.
Hoping they will be more sensitive to your needs.
Hoping they will be more caring.
Hoping they will have more ambition.
Hoping they will commit.
Hoping they will change.

 

Being in love with a potential can really seem like you have something wonderful; something that you don’t want to lose, but potentials are often viewed through rose-colored glasses!

It is so freeing to take off those glasses and to look at what IS. When I made the distinction between potential and reality I have opened myself to experience what I really want and deserve in my relationships. I let go of my involvement in situations and of people who didn’t bring me joy, or give back to me equally what I gave.

YES, I fell out of love with potential, and in love with reality.

 

Being in love with potential CAN be intoxicating, but if you are really willing to look through the haze, and to see honestly what IS in your relationship, chances are you won’t want it. It was never really that fulfilling in the first place. “Why settle for crumbs, when you can have the whole loaf of bread?”

 

You won’t waste time. You’ll move on. When you do this, you open yourself for the REAL thing, and reality can be pretty delicious.

 

 

 

 

With Love & Fireworks,

Patty

 

 

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You Can’t Give Me What I Want…Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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There are endless scenarios connected with this statement.

Last night one of my clients was experiencing a pretty common one: She was ready to take the relationship to the next level, he wasn’t quite ready for a full commitment. She was ready for marriage, he wasn’t.

Should she stay or should she go?  She was sad and afraid to give up the relationship that they had, because there were many positive qualities to it, yet there was one big aspect that was lacking, and it was an aspect that was extremely important to her.

Our session lasted nearly an hour; I didn’t have a magic answer to her question, this answer is within HER, but she did tell me that our talk gave her a new perspective, and I am happy for that. She was too.

When someone cannot give you what you want in the relationship, what are you to do? This question strips down the issue to its simplicity.

The complication begins when the focus remains on THEM: Expecting change, hoping for change, needing change, fighting over change.

I’ve been faced with these choices in my relationships, stay or go? It’s painful and frustrating to come to the conclusion, “You cannot give me what I want!” But for me what is even more frustrating and dis-empowering is to feel that I am in that stuck place. It’s a place of  indecision and a place of blame. No one is happy here.

“Dammit you can’t give me what I want, why won’t you?”

The most helpful thing I have asked myself is, “How important to my happiness is this?”

In some situations, the things I wanted were fundamental to my happiness and sadly I realized the person I was involved with could never give them to me. What was important to me, was not important to them. I say this not from a judgmental place, but from a place of recognition.

As scary and painful as ending the relationship was, I ended it. Ending the relationship came with its own package of unknowns.

I could have stayed.

So can you, if you are now facing a similar situation.

If I choose to stay in a relationship with anyone who cannot give me what I want….whether that be a love relationship or a job, then what is most important is that I make staying the right choice.

The only way I can do this is to own this choice. It is MY choice.

I must also be willing to explore the reasons for my choice.

Maybe I am not ready to leave, maybe I am afraid of the unknown, maybe I don’t want the hassle of finding a new job, maybe I need to pay my bills. Whatever the reason, I choose to stay and I must be honest with myself  about my reasons. If I own them, then the choice is not dependent on something outside of me. It’s not about THEM.

But if I have already determined that someone CANNOT give me what I want, then I better damn well face this and let go of the expectation of it or them changing. Choosing to stay and expecting change is a recipe for BLAME. I see people this often. They stay at a job or relationship that is unsatisfying, and then blame the job or the other person for their unhappiness. I’ve been down that road before, I was tired of expecting, and tired of blaming. It felt scary, but relieving, to put my happiness into my own hands.

When you don’t own or trust your choices, you blame the other person for not being who or what you want them to be.

Should you stay or should you go? What ever choice you make, you can make it the right choice. 

 

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Silence: Inner Peace? Avoidance? or Weapon?

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In the Spiritual realm, silence is regarded as a state one strives to acquire; it’s a place of inner peace. Silent moments can feel like blessings when life is chaotic. I love the serenity I feel when I enjoy a good book under a quiet tree. Silence can also be a moment of deep connection; I love the silence I can share with my guy when we don’t need words.

This type of silence feels so good!

But there are some other sides to silence…some that might not be talked about much. :)

Sometimes silence is used as a weapon or a means of avoidance.

Let’s not talk about our problems, let’s just avoid that big elephant in the room. Let’s punish him or her and give them the silent treatment. Let’s try to manipulate someone by being silent. Let’s play games and utilize the Door Knob effect. Let’s tell ourselves that maybe it will go away if we don’t talk about it. Let’s stay silent so we don’t rock the boat or upset anyone. Let’s stay silent, because the consequence of speaking up is too scary!

 

I’m not saying that being silent is wrong, in fact sometimes silence is the best policy. I’m silent when I know the other person is unwilling or incapable of hearing what I have to say. 

 

But being more aware of the origins of my own silence and the silence of others is so helpful for me. Especially if I want to shift and make changes in my life.

I avoided many things in my relationships by being silent about them. I suppressed my feelings and definitely was that person who felt that if I didn’t talk about it, maybe it would change. I didn’t enjoy confrontations. It took me some time to come to terms with many of the things I was silent about, especially when I ended a long-term relationship. I’ve taken myself out of a place of  blame,  and I do see how “avoidance” did not help me.

This is why talking about things, no matter how messy or bad they are, is important to me.

It’s why facing the consequence of speaking my truth is necessary.

 

I’m not big on utilizing the silent treatment with people. People who utilize this tactic often use it as a manipulation or a punishment. Their silence is deliberate. ” You made me mad, hurt my feelings, did something I don’t approve of, so now I won’t talk to you or talk about it!”

It is a cliché to say that wives use this tactic on their husbands, because men use it too…  and we all know the scenario of the silent angry person washing and slamming the dishes, or  slamming kitchen cabinets. When asked if anything is wrong, they will never admit their feelings, and instead they stay silent.

It used to really bother me if someone used the silent treatment tactic on me, because I am that type of person who generally wants to talk it out….and a part of me would take it personally.

but

Using silence as a weapon comes from their own weakness, fear, and insecurity. It is a passive way to project anger. Ultimately it is a means to avoid the things they don’t want to face. I get this!

I am certainly NOT beyond or above avoidance. I’m just have a strong desire to be more aware about my own, and when possible, bring it to the forefront and face it head on. I’ve created a safe place within my new relationship where avoidance isn’t necessary and our ability to talk about things, ( even the unpleasant things) continues to bring us closer, and this thrills me!

To face my own avoidance I need to embrace my vulnerability.

The more vulnerable I am, the more open I am…and ultimately the more free. This is a path that is ever unfolding, and a journey I am excited to take.

 

 

 

With Love & Fireworks,

Patty

 

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