Do nice guys/girls finish last?

You consider yourself a great catch; you’re attentive, thoughtful, caring…You treat him like a king, and he doesn’t appreciate you! You treat her like a queen but she walks all over you!

Your relationship is unbalanced when all you do is give, and all they do is take.

Lack of appreciation in the relationship has been the  overwhelming theme with many of my callers this week, and it prompted me to post the following status on the Share Your Love Story FB page.

Give Them The Gift Of Your Absence, When They Do Not Appreciate Your Presence.

I could  tell from the response that the subject of APPRECIATION hits home for many people and so I want to explore this subject further in this blog and share my own experiences.

 

When it comes to the subject of appreciation, here is what I have learned:

You teach people how to treat you.
People show each other how much effort they are willing to make. Early in the relationship there are always signs about how much someone is willing to give, both in their words AND with their actions. Many times, however, these signs are ignored.

You make up excuses as to why they are not so available, why they are moody , or why they are aloof to your feelings. You overlook or tolerate the way they treat you. You accept less than you deserve , and over time the person learns that they don’t have to make much effort to keep you in their life. So they simply don’t. Or, they continue on as they have.

 

On Sept 4th I celebrate my one year anniversary with my boyfriend, Michael. We’ve been good friends before this, but a year ago we decided to take that next step and begin dating. From the very beginning of our relationship he showed me he was willing to give. There was never a pretense, or games, or any holding back. He showed me such openness, caring and love from the very start, and I have reciprocated that openness, caring, and love right back to him.  I’m in a satisfying and loving relationship where I feel so very appreciated and I appreciate what I have. Our appreciation of each other is so mutual.

I’ve had past relationships, however, that felt NOTHING like this one.

Yes, I ignored signs. I tolerated behavior that was not nice or very caring. Put up with way less than I ever deserved. Yes, I complained about being unappreciated too.

I’ve also ended relationships only to experience something similar with someone else. It was that general feeling of being taken for granted that fluttered under the surface of my skin. There IS truth to the theory that if you end a relationship with someone, if you don’t address YOUR issues someone else exactly like them will come along to show you the very things you have not addressed within yourself.

So you can kick his or her a** to the curb, but if you don’t address something within yourself, you might want to get ready for the next unsatisfying relationship.

Once upon a time I ran away from my issues, until the day came that I finally chose to not run and ignore, but to look within. In the last several years I have learned so much about myself. Experience and personal growth has taught me that for me to have change around me, I have to change me. I have to change my beliefs, I have to make new choices. I have to take new actions.

To get appreciation from others, you MUST give appreciation to yourself.
The people around you are a reflection of you. If you don’t appreciate you, no one else will.

How did I begin to appreciate myself?

Appreciation of me began with making my happiness a priority. This wasn’t always popular with others when suddenly I became a different Patty, and it made their life a little uncomfortable.

Let go of guilt. Somehow we all feel guilty for putting ourselves and our happiness first. I just had to get over that!

I remind myself that I am damn fabulous. Self pep talks are important. Do it often. Recognize your value.

I remind myself that how others view me is not important, so I let go of the attachment.

“I give to myself as I would give to others”……this is my mantra. With repetition comes learning, and then habit.

I stopped looking for appreciation outside of me, and focused inside. The funny thing is, once I did this, I saw the reflection of appreciation from those around me.

Appreciation oozed; evidence that I had changed.

Which brings me back full circle to Michael and our relationship. He is my new reflection of me. He is a clear mirror of something that I had not fully allowed until now, my own full appreciation.

This is not to say that EVERYONE  will appreciate me. This is not to say that EVERYONE who I encounter will be thoughtful, kind, or a joy to be around. This is not to say that some people will change at all.  How I react to the world around me is different though, and I am able to make new choices. This brings me back around to my  Facebook status on Share Your Love Story:

Give Them The Gift Of Your Absence, When They Do Not Appreciate Your Presence.

The gift of my absence goes beyond the physical, it is the absence of my emotional attachment to their words or actions. There is no running, but a steady walking away from situations or people that do not add joy to my life or appreciate who I am. This absence is so freeing!

For me, this “gift” is therefore truly to myself. It’s a letting go, and yet such a gaining.

 

Are you ready for some appreciation?

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Love & Fireworks

Patty